Challenges, Empowering Women, Family, Grief, Reflection

Spring Blog

Spring. A season of new beginnings and living in gratitude.

As we enter the season of spring (finally for those of us in New England!) I find myself thinking back over the past two seasons (winter and fall) and understanding more the journey of life I have travelled. Today I am grateful….for so many things:

  • A 34 year friendship that included a 30 year marriage. Years of happiness joy tears sadness sacrifice struggles and an inordinate amount of love laughter and lightness. I love you Mark
  • Beautiful caring and kind children whose family love is unbreakable
  • My littles who bring a smile to my face and a spark to my life and fill my heart with love
  • My family – they are my foundation, my people and I am blessed
  • Friends near and far – these people are my village and I love them all
  • Work that I enjoy – my work keeps me learning; keeps me sharp and keeps me focused on things other than myself. The work I do helps people live and enjoy their lives and that is important – I know the work I do makes a difference

I have climbed a steep mountain these past 8+ months and this journey has not been easy. I see the top and the lightness. I know that all of you have been with me along the way. That has helped tremendously.

Today I can say I am proud of myself and I know my truth. I am proud of my husband Mark and the life he lived. He was loving, he was kind and he made a difference to all that ever knew him. He was light. I am proud of our life together- all of it. Our experiences created a life I am grateful for today. I miss him terribly but I know he would be proud – of my journey; of the journey of our family; of our strength and of the knowledge of what truly matters in this world. It is kindness …… in whatever form it presents itself that matters. The kindness in a simple thank you or in letting someone into traffic. Kindness in a phone call simply to say hello, I am thinking about you. Kindness at work when you see someone and smile.

In this season of Spring think about new beginnings and kindness – to yourself and others.

#lovematters  #livemytruth #family  #tookthehill #kindness #seasonofspring

Empowering Women

My Fears

It’s not the fear of the firsts anymore…’s the what-if’s. The what-if’s have made the journey of life….a day; a week; a trip; an event – terrifying.

Because as time moves on, and the fog lifts ever so slightly and clarity enters my life, these are the things that haunt me now. And, I still need you to understand.

• I still need you to understand that I am tired

• I still need you to understand that it is hard to find joy in some things

• I need you to understand that my soul and spirit is exhausted whether my body is or not

• I need you to understand that some things are still hard … so very hard

• I need you to understand I am terrified of my future; a future that was once so beautifully predictable is now so uncertain

• I need you to understand that I am anxious and I am worried and I am regretful

• I need you to know that I am full of guilt

o I feel guilty that he died

o I feel guilty that at times, I am happy

I feel guilty that my children and grandchildren don’t have him anymore, because he was the better parent/the better grandparent. He was the better person. He was just better. Everything about him was better.

There is a fallout from death. There is a fallout from grief. I don’t know if it will ever really go away. I’m sure it changes, but I will never be the same. I will never be ‘normal’ again. I will forever be scarred, flawed and irrevocably different.