Empowering Women

My Fears

It’s not the fear of the firsts anymore…..it’s the what-if’s. The what-if’s have made the journey of life….a day; a week; a trip; an event – terrifying.

Because as time moves on, and the fog lifts ever so slightly and clarity enters my life, these are the things that haunt me now. And, I still need you to understand.

• I still need you to understand that I am tired

• I still need you to understand that it is hard to find joy in some things

• I need you to understand that my soul and spirit is exhausted whether my body is or not

• I need you to understand that some things are still hard … so very hard

• I need you to understand I am terrified of my future; a future that was once so beautifully predictable is now so uncertain

• I need you to understand that I am anxious and I am worried and I am regretful

• I need you to know that I am full of guilt

o I feel guilty that he died

o I feel guilty that at times, I am happy

I feel guilty that my children and grandchildren don’t have him anymore, because he was the better parent/the better grandparent. He was the better person. He was just better. Everything about him was better.

There is a fallout from death. There is a fallout from grief. I don’t know if it will ever really go away. I’m sure it changes, but I will never be the same. I will never be ‘normal’ again. I will forever be scarred, flawed and irrevocably different.

1 thought on “My Fears”

  1. Dear Leslie,
    When my father passed away 11 years ago, I felt the guilt that you are feeling today. The truth is that you shared 30 wonderful years with Marc. The seeds of love that you and him planted are all around you (your children and grandchildren).
    Even though, I did not meet personally your husband, I can tell you that he was a great man because behind a great woman there is a great man.
    It is ok to grief and cry, but look for support at your local place of prayer if necessary. Let me know if you are interested in receiving remote Stephen Ministry care.

    Best,
    Víctor

    Like

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