It’s not the fear of the firsts anymore…..it’s the what-if’s. The what-if’s have made the journey of life….a day; a week; a trip; an event – terrifying.
Because as time moves on, and the fog lifts ever so slightly and clarity enters my life, these are the things that haunt me now. And, I still need you to understand.
• I still need you to understand that I am tired
• I still need you to understand that it is hard to find joy in some things
• I need you to understand that my soul and spirit is exhausted whether my body is or not
• I need you to understand that some things are still hard … so very hard
• I need you to understand I am terrified of my future; a future that was once so beautifully predictable is now so uncertain
• I need you to understand that I am anxious and I am worried and I am regretful
• I need you to know that I am full of guilt
o I feel guilty that he died
o I feel guilty that at times, I am happy
I feel guilty that my children and grandchildren don’t have him anymore, because he was the better parent/the better grandparent. He was the better person. He was just better. Everything about him was better.
There is a fallout from death. There is a fallout from grief. I don’t know if it will ever really go away. I’m sure it changes, but I will never be the same. I will never be ‘normal’ again. I will forever be scarred, flawed and irrevocably different.