My year of white knuckling my way through life….
Not proud of it and certainly not sugarcoating my journey. For the past year, August 6th, 2017 through today, I have been holding on…for dear life. I am terrified to let go, to breath, to fully exhale….terrified because I don’t know what is on the other side of the release.
I am holding tight to my memories of my husband, I think I am afraid I will forget. I can’t ever forget, and honestly that fear scares me.
I am holding tight to maintain composure and check my emotions. I am afraid if I don’t, I won’t ever stop crying. I am afraid if I don’t, the people in my life will walk away ….. afraid and unsure of how to help me.
I am holding tight to get through every. single. day. It’s exhausting…..I’m exhausted. But I must hold tight because if I let go or release the grip I don’t know how to manage what may be the “fallout.”
Living your life in a white knuckled fashion is draining. I try. I try to live a life – not one of my choosing but one I was left with……the colors aren’t as bright and the joy isn’t as deep. I can “do things” but they bring me less joy and happiness. It’s different joy and happiness as expected but it measures below the scale of joy and happiness for most people.
Will the next year be as painful as this year? I don’t know. Will I continue the white knuckle journey? For now it seems that way. Grief and grieving is not for the weak….this is tough work and a tough journey. Thank you for supporting my journey in whatever way you have – in whatever way you could. Every gesture has meant so very much. There are gifts in grief – even when we don’t want to acknowledge them. I have received many ……. and that will be the next blog article, so stay tuned.