Empowering Women

My Year of White Knuckling My Way Through Life

My year of white knuckling my way through life….

Not proud of it and certainly not sugarcoating my journey. For the past year, August 6th, 2017 through today, I have been holding on…for dear life. I am terrified to let go, to breath, to fully exhale….terrified because I don’t know what is on the other side of the release.

I am holding tight to my memories of my husband, I think I am afraid I will forget. I can’t ever forget, and honestly that fear scares me.

I am holding tight to maintain composure and check my emotions. I am afraid if I don’t, I won’t ever stop crying. I am afraid if I don’t, the people in my life will walk away ….. afraid and unsure of how to help me.

I am holding tight to get through every. single. day. It’s exhausting…..I’m exhausted. But I must hold tight because if I let go or release the grip I don’t know how to manage what may be the “fallout.”

Living your life in a white knuckled fashion is draining. I try. I try to live a life – not one of my choosing but one I was left with……the colors aren’t as bright and the joy isn’t as deep. I can “do things” but they bring me less joy and happiness. It’s different joy and happiness as expected but it measures below the scale of joy and happiness for most people.

Will the next year be as painful as this year? I don’t know. Will I continue the white knuckle journey? For now it seems that way. Grief and grieving is not for the weak….this is tough work and a tough journey. Thank you for supporting my journey in whatever way you have – in whatever way you could. Every gesture has meant so very much. There are gifts in grief – even when we don’t want to acknowledge them. I have received many ……. and that will be the next blog article, so stay tuned.

4 thoughts on “My Year of White Knuckling My Way Through Life”

  1. Taking deep breaths and pauses with you, Leslie. As you push through, your supporters push through with you. “gifts in grief.” that is for certain. 1 step at at time, 1 day at a time, 1 breath at a time. breathe in and out. XO

  2. Hi Leslie I’m sorry to hear of your loss. What a brave step you’ve taken to share your feelings and life journey with a broader audience. Thank you for doing so.

  3. Dear Leslie,

    I cannot imagine your pain.
    You are a strong human being who will overcome grief.

    This process of grief is different for everyone; it is ok to cry, it is ok to be alone, and it is ok to be angry with God – he can take it.
    I did this when my father passed away 11 years ago in 2007.

    I am sure that your love for your children and your grandchildren will defeat your fears and will ignite your acceptance of the things you cannot change and give you courage to change the things that you can by centering on all the good memories with your husband.

    I am praying hoping you could find the acceptance and the peace that your heart desires.


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